I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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