I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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