Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
