I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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