They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
