Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
