I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
