"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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