I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
