i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
