I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
