hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If I die, sorry about rent.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
