I'm gonna have a badass scar
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
