who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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