why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
