even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
