I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
