I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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