Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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