Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
