my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
