Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
