I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
