I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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