Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
