i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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