she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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