If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
