Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
