So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
3pm strippers are depressing
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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