When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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