Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
