I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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