Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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