When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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