Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
