So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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