she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
last night I used snow as a chaser
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
