Why is your signature on my underwear?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize