You smell like a Billy Joel song
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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