so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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