she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
