I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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