i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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