you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize