My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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