I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
