I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
