make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
