you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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