Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
