So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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