I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
