When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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