I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
