I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
