YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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